4. Revisiting

Hey Chadderbox,

I think about writing you here all of the time, but sitting down and reasoning through writing has been different since that whole losing my entire belief system thing. It was a lot easier to do mental gymnastics and land on the idea that everything would eventually be ok, because, God, and because that’s the answer I had been fed my entire life. So it had been my answer for a long time.

Now, while I crave that experience of working through reasoning and ending up on the other side satisfied, it’s never guaranteed. It’s just seemed like a lot of work I haven’t had the energy to dedicate. I’m ok, as long as I don’t think about it.

A pretty temporary solution. Today, my mom called me and asked me a few questions that made me think about what I’ve been avoiding. I teared up and let myself acknowledge I’ve got a lot to wade through.

She said it well when she talked about how I’ve got some long lasting trauma from different things being ripped away from me. The violence in those words - ripped away - encapsulates the feeling I’ve felt over and over again. I’m left with a void where I was previously holding tight. My religion. My sport. Some of my closest relationships and friendships.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t believe I’m one who tries to fill those voids. I think I feel them, grieve ‘em. I let them tear me apart pretty badly. I respect the roles the people and situations played in my life, and come out on the other side patched up. I feel stitched together like a well-loved doll. All these experiences have made me who I am, and a lot of them have really hurt me.

To think about going back and opening up those stitches to truly heal scares me, mostly because I’m not sure I’ll ever really be able to heal from some of them. I don’t see myself ever healing from the loss of you. I don’t think anyone could.

But revisiting will be insightful. The more I know about myself and my reactions to these hard experiences, the more comfortable I’ll feel navigating the future.

I was revisiting an album I found during my last breakup, Another Place to Need by A.O. Gerber. I remember when I was first listening to it on the bed in the room newly deemed mine versus ours. We had just moved everything that was his into the extra bedroom. He had left for a while, and I sobbed as I read along with the lyrics. She put into words what I could not express at the time. My favorite song on the album was Strangers.

“we were strangers for all of those years
now we’re strangers of a different kind my dear
so did you love me
or just the idea?

now i’m living one footstep away
i feel further and further each day
so did you need me
to want it that way?

do you think that i could stop reliving it?
it’s so strange to think that i
still have to live with it
i have to live with it

if i’d really seen you, would it have come as a surprise
that you’d never value me over your pride?
so did i know you
or was it some other guy?

so here’s to thinking it all meant more than it did
and starting over with some other person
here’s to making the same mistakes again
and again
and again

do you think that i could stop reliving it?
it’s so strange to think that i
still have to live with it
i have to live with it”

I bought the vinyl that same week, but due to the pandemic it didn’t ship until I was completely settled in my own apartment months later. In those months, I had grieved, I had stitched, I had changed. How could I not? A well-loved, self-loved doll. I recognized myself again.

Revisiting the album after so much time had passed was nice. The songs carried a familiar weight, but they weren’t as heavy. I remembered where I was when I found it and took a look around at where I was now. I was kind to myself. I celebrated myself.

And I decided I need to do that more often.

I’m going to be revisiting. I want to see and understand the ways I’ve evolved and I want to celebrate them. I want to be proud of myself and believe in myself the way I do with others, without a second thought, always cheering them on. I want to honestly believe I deserve that same support. I want to be there for me endlessly.

I am sorry this has taken me so long to start writing again. Talking to you always helps.

Love you like a brother.

-BreSoftware