6. Left Shoe
Hey Chadderbox,
I always put my left shoe on first. I typically always have, but on the day you died, I remember putting on my right shoe first. I haven’t done that since.
I know it’s so stupid to think that interruption in my routine had a butterfly effect so big, but my brain still reminds me every time I grab a pair to put on. “Last time you did this, someone died.”
So why chance it?
I’ve let that thinking bleed into other parts of my life over the years. “Last time you ____, _____ happened.” Which has saved me from a lot of tumultuous lessons I didn’t need to learn twice. No need to walk that path again.
But I know it has also inhibited me. I let what people from my past have done to me dictate how open I’ve chosen to be with people I meet now. I let their decisions and the way I reacted to them make me overly cautious with everyone. I use the past to try to predict the future, even though the boxes I’ve put people in are inadequate because they’re different people. It has been exhausting.
For so long I’ve tried to do extra emotional work in the background to mitigate anything bad from happening, and ultimately any chance of someone feeling like they might not want to keep going. In reality, those thoughts aren’t even on their minds. I feel like I constantly try to save people from the inevitable bumps in the road ahead. What if there’s an unexpected curve? What if traffic suddenly stops? What if, what if, what if
Well, there will.
There always will. And honestly, nothing I do will stop those bumps in the road from coming. I can support them when they do, but white-knuckling their steering wheel when the road is clear only causes me stress. It doesn’t help them at all.
I’m trying to be less superstitious. I’m trying to see each person I meet as the individual they are, and not sort them into boxes of similar people from my past. I’m trying to let things be, because they will be anyway.
Everything will just be.
My decision to put my left shoe on first isn’t going to stop someone from whatever they decide to do.
My decisions are mine alone, as are yours, as are everyone’s. I just want to make more thoughtful, present ones from now on.
Love,
Bre Software
P.S.
I finally made some playlists to share. I think you’d like ‘em. I call them TGIF 10, and I try to put out a new one every other Friday or so. Here are the first 3:
I have lots of thoughts about each of these and wish I could hear what you’d have to say. I look forward to listening together one day.
