7. I’ve been

Hey Chadderbox,

I miss you. I’m sorry it’s been a minute. 

I found a really good therapist who has taught me a lot about mindfulness and self-compassion. Both are things I knew existed but never intentionally practiced. Easy things to brush off, you know?

Being mindful has helped me get over things that used to feel too overwhelming to face. I’m spending more time in a more solid place emotionally rather than constantly slipping into a state where I feel like I’m flailing.

It seemed like I had been stuck and flailing for a long time, which made me feel sad and confused. I couldn’t figure out how to get back up on my feet. But I’m moving again, and I’m celebrating that win.

The farther I get from people I used to be close with, the more I recognize my worth.

At the end, it felt like I was asking a lot. Looking back, that makes me laugh.

I’m glad I ended things, even when I didn’t want to. I’m glad I recognized I deserved more and followed through. It was really fucking hard, Chad. But I am so proud of myself. 

I think that was the first act of self-compassion I had to do to get moving again. Well, it paused the flail, at least.

My world stopped for a bit, but Morganzo Bean helped pick me up. You’d love talking with him, Chad. The man is a genius and funny as hell. The most earnest human on the planet. 

He reminded me of my worth and wanted me to see it in myself again. He wanted me to be proud of myself.

And I feel like I am again.

Here’s a song I found last week and really like.

And a little note I wrote when I felt like I finally turned a corner.

I’ve Been 

I’ve been sleeping in the middle of my bed

a king worn on one side

where he used to hold me and lie

I stretch out now, then curl up.

I am comfortable. I am happy.

I’ve been reminded in real ways that I am amazing.

determined.

magnetic.

I am more than I’d hoped to be.

So now I will stretch my limbs and lay in the bed I’ve made.

Would it have meant as much if I had gotten it right the first time?

I am whole in my failures and successes,

A scoreboard on my skin,

A gentle ache in my muscles.

I’ve been living again.

That’s all for now, Chadderbox. I miss you every day. Love you like a brother.

-BreSoftware