9. so i’m not

9/17/23

Hey Chadderbox,

I’ve spent most of my energy this last year in ways that have drained me. I checked the boxes, but hated doing it. I don’t want to do that anymore, so I’m not. 

It has been a minute since I’ve stepped into my creativity. But that is all I want to do. When I have energy, I want to create. Which fuels me further, and I create more, and it’s just a cycle of happiness for me. Even just being involved in others’ creative projects inspires me. I have always known that about myself, but it’s so easy to forget when you’re draining your energy to make ends meet.

I feel the most me when I’m making things, brainstorming ideas, acting, performing, and ultimately trying to make other people smile. Because what the hell is it all for if not to feel? 

Over the last year I’ve created a tension within myself by limiting the ways I express how I’ve really felt out of fear of rejection. I’m always on the verge of letting it fly, but the fear that it’ll result in less time spent with the ones I want to be closer to halts me. Isn’t it better to spend some time with them instead of none? I thought it was for a long time. But I don’t want to do that anymore, so I’m not.

I want to live fully from my thoughts to my actions. A full connection with no detour out of fear. And yeah, maybe I won’t be saying all of these thoughts out loud, but I will be actively trying to stay true to them in my actions. 

For a long time after leaving a church that preached “choosing the right,” I’ve been doing my best to establish my own standards of what’s right by what feels like it. Stopping myself from fully expressing myself does not feel right. The pang of rejection that might come from doing it is nothing compared to the long-term ache of stopping myself from trying. 

What’s the worst that could happen if I go for something? I fail? Groundbreaking!!1!1! I’m competitive. I know I can do it. I’ll try again.

I miss you Chad. I think about you all the fucking time. I wish I could call you. Thank you for inspiring me to create. Thank you for talking to me before you left.

Love you like a brother,

Bre Software

P.S.

Here’s an older song I’ve had on repeat lately. I scream the last part in my car with Fritz by my side on my way to visit Sami in Idaho recently, and it felt pretty pivotal. I love when songs trigger that feeling.