10. THIRTY-FIVE

Feb 14

2/14/2024

Hey Chadderbox,

Happy birthday. You would’ve been 35 today. Morgan and I did the balloon launch together, as we’ve done the past few years. I think you would’ve laughed. I can still hear your laugh.

I think about how much closer we’d be today. 5 years doesn’t seem like as much of a gap as it was when I was 17. That breaks my heart a bit more this year. It really, really hurts. I wish you were here.

I dreamt of calling you when the local music festival lineup dropped and telling you you’d better carve out that weekend. I imagined you, Morgan, and me dancing together in the crowd at LCD Soundsystem and Interpol. Getting to experience concerts with you would have been so fun. Every time I go to one, I wish you were there, or I wish I could call you after. That’s the kind of friendship we had, and I miss it. I loved it.

I made you a short playlist for your birthday. A doorstep album for you, if you will. I was doing a final listen through while doing the dishes a few hours ago and started crying as I imagined calling you and talking about each track.

Thank you for wanting to know what I thought, how I felt. I believed you. I know you meant it.

I’m going to link it here and embed it below in case anyone else stumbles across this and wants to listen to it.

I’m also going to talk to you about each track, the way we would if you were here. Some are older, some are new. The way a mix should be, really. I even contacted some of the bands who didn’t have their lyrics listed online, and they were nice enough to send them my way. I think you would’ve thought that was cool, too.

I have more updates I’ve written about, but I think I’m just going to focus on the doorstep album for today. The core of how we communicated.

If you were here, here’s what I’d say when we’d inevitably call to talk about it all.

Doorstep Album 35
Happy Birthday Chadderbox

1 God Loves a Trier - Samuel Nicholson

Are you close

Are you there

Are you now or are you then

Is it fair

Is all that I am

Well god loves

God loves

God loves a trier

Even when I’m broke

Even when I croak

God loves

God loves a trier

God loves

God loves a trier

Even when I’m broke

Even when I choke

Holy hands around my throat

Holding all my hopes

I got love

I got love for you

I got love

Got love

Got a love for you

I got love

I got love for you

I got love

Got love

So much love for you

I got love

I got love for you

I got love

Got love

Got a love for you

I got love

I got love for you

I got love

Got love

I know what to do

I’m gonna give it to you

The past year has been one of the most difficult years of my life, and I feel like I’ve failed at almost every turn. I’m broke, I choke, and I’ve found I literally hold my throat when I try to voice my feelings about things I know are important to me - almost as a way to protect and calm myself so my words come out less shaky. It’s something I’m working on, it’s something I will continue to try. The love I have, the thoughts I have, the feelings I have are worthy of being shared and heard. I know it’s possible.

(Also, Samuel was one of the gems who sent me these lyrics when I reached out to him)

2 Lift You Up - New Animal

You wanted out because

You never know what’s gonna get you down

Maybe I seem a little strange

But it’s how I am

I’d lift you up above the clouds

And then I’ll never let you go

Think of me when you’re dreaming

I’ll be there, you know

All you know, is slipping out of your control

This is an old song I’ve had on my iPod Nano forever, but I never fully knew the lyrics until I reached out to the band this past week. I always thought it was kind of hauntingly beautiful, but cementing the lyrics made it even more so. It gets stuck in my head often. I think you’ll love it, too.

(Another kind soul from New Animal sent me these lyrics after I asked them about them - it’s an older song, so I thought it was super cool they responded. Thanks Derek!)

3 Just in Time - Good Morning

Don't need to specify but each time I fall apart I fall within you

And it goes without saying that the limits of your life won't ever dim you

And you magnify every issue that arises, it'll end you

And you're thrown overboard, you're gonna sink or you're gonna float, we'll find out together

There's two truths to a lie

There's ten teeth in your smile sometimes

Between making deals and then throwing in the towel, well what's new for me?

'Cause I stopped trying to get older once I realized I was and that's habit forming

And I magnify every issue that arises, please ignore me

And we're thrown overboard, we're gonna float, we're gonna float, so keep swimming baby

There's two days in a night

There's only one reason to come inside

There's two truths to a lie

There's ten teeth in your smile sometimes

Yeah, but I saved my life

Just in time

Good Morning has been one of my favorite bands for a while now, and on every album they have a song that really hits for me. This is that song. Their lyrics are always so relatable in their vulnerability. I often find myself thinking, “Oh, yeah. That is true. It’s not just me!” Also, the line “‘Cause I stopped trying to get older once I realized I was and that’s habit forming” hits especially hard as I attempt to age without frustration. It’s going to happen regardless!

4 Where to Begin - My Morning Jacket

Up and up and up I climbed

And when I came up I was so far behind

My head takes a lickin' but my heart keeps on tickin' just the same

Always startin' over but somehow I always know where to begin

Round and round and round I ran

And just when I looked I hadn't even began

To feel the effect, a cool, dark fever on the brain

That feelin' takin' over, like a holy roller coaster to the grave

How can I await the day

The last the night I'm here to see

How do I await the mother lode

It's the art of feelin' naked in your clothes

Again, again, again I tried

That's how I knew I would never be denied

That face in the mirror who could it be, it was my own

That cool, dark figure, that's when I knew I was alone

On and on and on I drive

When will I know I have finally arrived

So far I've gone, so far to go it never ends

Always startin' over but somehow I always know where to begin

This song has also been on my iPod Nano for forever, but I’ve been coming back to it more often lately. Always startin’ over, but somehow I always know where to begin. I’ve also spent more time with a friend recently who loves My Morning Jacket, and it has been nice to get to know more of their music. The way we talk about music together kind of reminds me of the way you and I talked about music. It’s simultaneously familiar and refreshing.

5 Waiting to Leave Home - Thomas Flynn

(I don’t know what the hell he’s saying for sure but it’s all fucking beautiful and feels so fluid)

6 Football - Youth Lagoon

Donnie dug a hole

His face as wearin' thin like an old shoe sole

Momma turned to dust

She was on the train tracks waitin' for the blood to rush

And you told me I was stayin' strong

When all I've done is play along

And they put it on, they put it on me

Don't put it on me

Maybe you're not the person who caught the football

Maybe you're not the person who caught the football (Leave, don't leave)

Mary on the pole

Her faith was wearin' thin like an old shoe sole

Mary holdin' tough

She would fuck the preacher if he only paid enough

And his ring is off and his button down

And he tore it off and she tore around

Put a bullet in and pull it on three

Don't pull it on me

Maybe you're not the person who caught the football

Maybe you're not the person who caught the football (Leave, don't leave)

MAYBE YOU’RE NOT THE PERSON WHO CAUGHT THE FOOTBALL. This one is fun to sing along to in the car. Because fuck it, maybe you’re not the one who made the big play! Maybe that’s not what you’re meant to do! Catch or drop! YOU’RE STILL INHERENTLY WORTHY REGARDLESS.

7 Cake - Yune

You got lost

Party's over

Clean up

Get sober

Celebrate

Can't say no

Lost your ways ten weekends in a row

Burn the wall and dig a hole

Buy the house before it gets sold

There's not enough room in town

To fit in all the clowns

I'm calling you

Turn me on

Once you were numb

Now you're fun

You turn me on

Share it all with you

Split my heart

Turn me on

Out of jail, out of your mind

I'll pay you back if you pay mind (mind, mind)

When I say smile you say cheese

I'm hungry for you, I'm waiting for you

Spinning around 360 degrees

In prison, in decease

In the dark you're such a tease

I'm hungry for you, I'm waiting for you to

Burn the wall and dig a hole

Buy the house before it gets sold

There's not enough room in town

To fit in all the clowns

Share it all with you

Split my heart

Turn me on

Share it all with you

Split my heart

It's only you I want to feel

I'm calling you

Turn me on

Once you were numb

Now you're fun

You turn me on

Dance around like fish in a pond

Once you were numb

Now you're fun

Turn me on

I like the playful give and take of this one, and it sounds kind of Pinback-y to me, which I know you’d appreciate

8 Days of Lantana - Ben Howard

Ha, je sens mon coeur qui froidit

Mon ami

Agatha and I go

Down to the courtyard slinging

Last year's Sundays in the river of time

Agatha and I go

Down to the citadel Sunday

Red church bells and the moon on the rise

If you were to tell her

The days are numbered

I'd break the teeth in your fake ass smile

Maybe in a rare wind

Maybe in a month of Sundays

Maybe in a war I would still read the wrong signs

But I don't mind it

Being in the darkness baby

To be by your side

I would walk the Nile twice

Days of lantana

Each saint with a cross and a hammer

Radiation of the Cherenkov kind

So we go walking

Birds at the window talking

Jubilations in the faint June shine

Agatha and I go

Down to the citadel winning

Things that graciously came to mind

Gathering the day in

Some make arrangements

Some know the way and they just walk a straight line

Well, Curly's a baker's boy

Living for the harvest nights

Turns to me and says something like

"The world only turns twice

Once for the laughter

Once for the memories after

All the rest is just kicking through the weather and the fines"

So we go dancing

Twist turns and all things fancy

"I blame the baker boy", that's what I had on my mind

You in the here now

Me in the far bar

I'd wait forever if they gave me enough time

Outside walking

Birds at the window talking

Iterations of the faint June shine